Week 9 Journal

Juggling

Sofia pulled photograph after photograph from her wall and threw them into a pile on her empty mattress. It was the last wall; all the others were completely empty, and her floor was filled with boxes and bags.

She stared at a photograph that she had been waiting until the last minute to take down. It was a picture of her with her dad when he’d taken them on a trip to San Francisco together. “I wish you were still here,” she whispered.

She knew he couldn’t hear him, he was gone. He’d been gone for two years. It was just her and her mom in an apartment. But now, even that apartment was being taken away from her. She couldn’t keep anything. She couldn’t keep up her grades. She couldn’t stay at one school. She couldn’t keep a relationship with anyone. She was just there, existing in a constant state of in-between. Not knowing if she’d ever have a stable life, not knowing if her mom would ever make enough money for them to live comfortably.

Only one poster remained on her wall, it was a painting of her favorite flowers: sunflowers. Her dad had gotten it for her when they’d gone to the art museum. He’d always loved art, and so had she. She couldn’t stand to look at it anymore, though, because it reminded her of him. She remembered him buying the poster and telling her, “If you’re ever having a bad day, just look at these flowers and think about all the good things. Think about me and your mom. Think about today. Think about the art you saw. Think about how much we love you. Hope. That’s what gets you through it.”

She threw the poster in her garbage can. She had no hope. She had been alive long enough to know that it would never get better. Nothing ever did.

“Sofia!” Her mom called from the hallway. “We’re leaving in a few minutes! Finish packing!”

She looked at all of the posters and photographs she had just taken off her walls and threw all of them into the garbage. She needed a fresh start.

Gathering

I wasn’t supposed to be here. I didn’t fit in with anyone. They didn’t even know who I was. They didn’t know my name, and that was probably for the best. I didn’t care about them anyways.

And anyway, the corner was the best place to be. No one would notice me here while I stared at my phone screen. I could blend in, just as I always did.

“Hey, Julia!” My friend, Mary, passed by me. She was the one who took me here. She had convinced me to go, despite her knowing that I would’ve rather stayed home. I didn’t like parties. I would rather be by myself. And unlike her, no one knew who I was. I never talked to them, but she did.

“Julia, are you coming?” Mary asked from a few feet in front of me.

“I don’t…”

“Come on.” She grabbed my hand and dragged me through the crowd. I tried to make myself smaller in an attempt to avoid brushing up against other people’s bodies, but it wasn’t working so well. The dim lights in the house made it hard to see, and it was hard to hear over people’s voices. They talked so loud that the only sound I could hear coming out of the speakers was the bass. The air was warm and stale, and smelled of alcohol. A wave of nausea went through my body; I needed to get some fresh air.

Luckily, Mary pulled me out the back door of the house, to a small swimming pool. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down, but Mary was still going.

“We should leave soon,” I told her.

“I have to stay later,” she said, “you can have someone pick you up. Oh wait, guys! This is my friend, Julia.”

I looked up from the cement ground to see a group of four girls standing in front of us. “Uh, hi,” I said.

“Hey,” one of them said, and then turned to Mary. “Have you heard about what happened with Jackson?”

“No, what happened?” Mary asked.

I sighed and tuned out their conversation. I stood there for a while, having nowhere else to go, and then walked off. Mary didn’t notice.

I walked down the street until I came across a large parking lot to a public swimming pool, and I sat down on the curb. There weren’t any cars parked, and barely any drove past. It was late, and not too many people lived out here. I was at least a few miles away from my house, but I just wanted to go back home. I couldn’t stand to be around a single person for another minute. The only problem was, I couldn’t leave. Mary had driven me here, and no one else could take me back. I couldn’t drive, anyway. I supposed I could’ve called an Uber, but I didn’t want to deal with that, especially not at this time of night.